Do What You Fear (as long as it isn't reckless and stupid)
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One of the best ways to grow emotionally strong and to develop self-discipline is to do what scares you. I don’t mean that you need to learn how to hang glide or tame lions. I don’t mean for you to do things that are frightening for everyone for a good reason. I myself do not feel particularly drawn to the idea of (for example) taking research equipment into a burning caldera or hunting Burmese pythons in the Everglades. I could imagine myself feeling a little fear in the moment if I found myself doing one of these things, and that would affect my reactions. Nevertheless, this is not what I mean. I do not mean chasing down a random, possibly dangerous, situation that will probably cause you to feel fear.
What I mean is this: there is some non-dangerous (probably) activity that you could try, but you keep putting it off. You don’t delay out of boredom, as with dishes and tax returns. You don’t put it off because, while it must get done, it just isn’t as urgent as several other activities on your list. Those are not this activity. This activity is the one that is SAFE (most likely) but you cannot stop thinking about it, and you also have a hard time making yourself do it. It doesn’t feel safe to you. Something about this activity sets your hair on fire and makes your skin itch.
Why? Because it is important to you! What if you fail? What if you succeed so well that you cannot keep up, and then you fail dramatically? This is the thing that you must attempt. This activity is not going to go off your radar until you do it, whether it takes you a day, a week, or a lifetime to get started.
I
have a friend who once observed me skiing and then told me how brave
I was. I thanked her, but she was wrong. I have always found physical
activities pretty easy. Even when I fail at them, the attempt is kind
of fun. Do I care whether anyone sees me being a klutz? Not really.
Most folks stumble from time to time. Also, I have a good sense of
balance and an excellent feel for my limits, so I am unlikely to hurt
myself badly in an athletic endeavor. I imagine I tackled her fear with aplomb, and it looked like bravery from her perspective. From mine, it was simply an afternoon of fun.
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Journée polaire sur les Pyrénées by timuzapata CC BYSA 3.0 |
At the same time, I was struggling to cope with a fear of my own (rather than a fear owned by my buddy). I was just getting started as a piano teacher. I had been putting off doing some advertising for a music camp that I was gearing up to teach in partnership with another friend, who also teaches piano. Why couldn’t I get myself to do it? People. I had convinced myself that someone would have an adverse reaction to my pitch. What if I showed up with my flyers and someone yelled at me for wasting their time or laughed at my efforts? What if everyone was really nice, we had a hundred sign-ups for music camp, and we failed to deliver an entertaining learning experience? I knew it was irrational, but I had a sense that I was opening myself up for rejection, failure, or abysmal, disastrous failure.
Well, it took some effort, but I finally took those posters around to businesses and churches in town. I had a generally positive experience. Some folks were really matter-of-fact: “Sure, there’s the bulletin board.” Others had questions or struck up conversations. Several had no place to post things, but they were all kind. We had a good turn-out for our camp, and I was both relieved to have the marketing work done and proud of myself for following through.
Since then, I have faced an even bigger fear several times: I have played my piano in public. This is the important one! How do I know? I do and don’t want to do it at the same time! My heart rate quickens and my belly flutters. My hands shake and I feel unnaturally hot. Or cold. Maybe both at the same time. I can frame my physical symptoms as excitement and this works, but only when I can remember to do it. This is my thing, and I know because I fear it.
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